Never News: Totally Mid Hot Jesus

[Our narrator stands before a table in the library, dressed in safety goggles, a rubber apron, and rubber gloves. She holds two vials of strange liquid in each hand. On the left, a pitch black, foaming potion that bubbles and squelches. On the right, a lime green, dare I say BRAT green?, glowing substance that swirls and roils on its own. On the table next to her, a medical journal lies open to a worn page, covered in scrawled notes. It’s hard to make out the text, but aren’t those the words “REANIMATION POTION” written in enormous script?

We will never know for sure because she’s noticed us now. After hastily turning off the bunsen burner, she tosses the liquids into the fireplace (which then produces a worrying burst of smoke in the shape of…is that…yes, a gigantic skull) and tosses off her goggles]

HELLO MY LITTLE CHICKADEES! 

[THE PLASTIC SLAP OF GLOVES BEING PULLED OFF]

We meet again in the hallowed halls of Never News, the biweekly newsletter for Never Post. As always it’s me, Producer Georgia, here to bring you delights from various corners of the Internet - topics we’ve been discussing and chewing on for the last 14 days or so. So let us BEGIN! 

Some noshes….

Comedy Central’s website is the latest to get axed, taking countless archived clips along with it. Extremely fraught conversations surround a game’s “bye bye homeless” feature. WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO “ESPRESSO” BY SABRINA CARPENTER?! We’re sending too many emails (she says, in an email…sorry). Goldman Sachs, of all places, dunks extremely hard on the use of AI. And oh god, now I have to worry about the comment section to Never Post? 

And now, the main courses…

THE ATLANTIC: Allow me to introduce you to “Hot Jesus”

How was I NOT supposed to choose this piece, the first sentence of which (“Jesus is punching the devil on Facebook”) was like the “cellar door” of first sentences?! But I digress. This is an incredibly fascinating exploration of AI-generated images of Jesus looking, I mean, undeniably gorgeous in that very Hyper Masculine way. A real Chad version of Christ, if I say so myself. But the prevalence of these images offers a fascinating opener into a bigger conversation about why AI tends to only generate this exact flavor of hot people regardless of the prompt, and whether making Jesus ripped beyond all belief is a reflection of the current culture. 

EXTENDED SEGMENTS: vxTwitter with DylanPDX

For your listening enjoyment, here is an extended cut of Mike’s conversation with DylanPDX about vxTwitter. This version includes some technical information and backstory that didn’t make our original episode cut, so put on your loveliest headphones and GET TO LISTENIN’! 

DAZED: Anybody else feel like everything is…just okay? 

I’ve yet to adopt the word “mid” into the lexicon of my life, but it’s an apt term for a feeling I have certainly been experiencing recently — that there is so much culture to consume, more than ever before, but not enough of it is…interesting in a meaningful way. This piece from Dazed takes some time to pick at that sensation, the “too much and not enough” problem that is plaguing large swaths of online culture. Obviously, not all areas of Internet life are like this — for better or worse, there is always freaky stuff for those with eyes to see it. But it’s true that often, popularity online isn’t always the product of making something unique. More often than not, it seems, it’s a battle for the prize of “sure, fine, that’ll do.” 

VOX: Why aren’t the pop girlies taking over radio play?

I told you I couldn’t promise that I would stop talking about Charli XCX!! She and countless other female pop singers (Chappell Roan, Camilla Cabello, Dua Lipa, Sabrina Carpenter, and the like) have either dropped new albums, shot into meteoric fame, or taken over certain sectors of the Internet in a way that would suggest a level of stardom we’d consider mainstream. And yet, the radio waves (and often the charts) are still dominated by the likes of Morgan Wallen and Post Malone. For the chronically online, it feels…weird, to say the least. And the explanation of this phenomenon is, as usual, a complicated one. 

And thus we reach the end of this week’s newsletter. O! Parting is such sweet sorrow. But I’ll see you in two weeks — in the meantime, wear sunscreen (yes, every day), and enjoy some fun in the sun. If you need me, just know that this is where you will find me…