Never News: Seasons Spookings

On a snow-fallen night, in a house on a hill

We see our narrator, stood on the sill

Across the eaves of the windows, she's hung garlands high

Though beautiful, they're...strange, though it's hard to say why

At first they look lovely, panes shrouded in pine

With tinsel and glitter lending a shine

Though as you get closer closer, the smell isn't right

And the needles shine too bright, slick in the light

With shock you draw near, and feel your heart thud

Could it be that these boughs are covered...in blood?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL! It is I, Producer Georgia, coming to you with the merriest of newsletters right here in my sleigh. Now, could I have really done it up and tried to turn this entire thing into a rhyming newsletter? Yes, but I think we'd all grow tired of the bit awfully quickly. So! Instead, I offer you Never News as you know it and love it, from here onward:

Some Internet aperitifs...

What social platforms are teens using the most? Bluesky has your answer. A study shows that sharing news containing misinformation produces one feeling more than all others. If I now know what "occlupanids" are SO MUST YOU. It will surprise no one for me to announce that there is Luigi Mangione merch. The newest meme to come out of the Wicked movie release can best be described as "me...and 👹BOQ👹." And for you Never Post listeners who've been sending us amazing graffiti you've seen, here's an especially good one for you.

And now, for the main courses...

VOX: The roasting of Spotify Wrapped

Much has been said online maligning this year's Spotify Wrapped, which trades previous years' attempts at customized storytelling of user data for utterly personality-less AI slop. A personal favorite reaction of mine has been Tiktoks reacting to this year's "Wrapped AI Podcast," where the tinny voices of two fake people "talk" about your year's listening habits, often with unintentionally bizarre results. But this piece from Vox does a great job of zooming out and pointing to Wrapped's (and Spotify's) ambivalence toward quality in favor, instead, of virality at any cost.

SHOW NEWS: your last chance for the audience survey!

That's right — if by some incredible miracle you missed the audience survey, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO BE HEARD! Prithee, tell us what you like about the show, what you don't like, and perhaps a secret third option! The survey will be up until the end of the year at which point it will disappear forever and you will NEVER see it again so yet again I demand that you involve yourself in the great theater of public opinion AT ONCE!

DEFECTOR: Using "Hawk Tuah" as a case study for Bag Culture

I've avoided writing or talking about Haliey Welsh, better known online as "hawk tuah girl" for as long as I could. It's one of those topics that, in most conversation, leads me to wander off, either mentally or physically. But this article in Defector has proven to be the one piece of media about this whole phenomenon that actually had me sat. It takes Haliey's virality-to-snakeoil salesperson fame as a case study for a playbook of online celebrity, one that facilitates a broader culture of cynicism and shallowness. Genuinely an excellent read.

404 MEDIA: Luigi Mangione and the tradition of online sleuthing

Oh come on, as if I wasn't going to include an article about Luigi! In the last week, my feed (and I'm guessing yours, too) has been overrun with any and all information about Luigi Mangione, the alleged shooter of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson. Information as wide ranging as Caroline Calloway announcing that she had sex with him, to his last listened-to song on Spotify (B2b feat. Tinashe by Charli XCX). This isn't new - as this piece in 404 Media will explore, the practice of combing for online artifacts of someone, especially someone notorious, is as old as the hills.

And that's all, folks. You won't hear from me until 2025, when I will have solved every problem in my life and feel ready to begin a new year with a clean slate, cleaner conscious, and a terrifying power of will. Until then, may your holidays be merry, bright, and hopefully restful.

To enter the holiday season properly, here is my favorite dude and yours, Snoopy: